by Bobby May
I fell off the plane onto Thai soil completely exhausted and sporting a raging headache. Having had nothing to eat but a slice of Banana Bread on the plane, I wanted nothing more than to fucking collapse for a few hours.
Myself and two friends, Jason and Glenn, began our trip with two primary objectives:
1. Check into the Hotel and throw our luggage and shit in the room.
2. Head toward Patong Beach for a relaxing Thai massage to ease our souls into this new, strange, beautiful country.
Everything had caught me off-guard about Phuket.
For one, the fucking smell of the place. “Putrid” doesn’t describe the smell aptly enough. Before I left, the Nurse who administered me with the Hepatitis B vaccine warned me:
"The second you step out of that Airport, you’ll be shocked mate. The smell of the place will hit you like a fucking truck. It’s this constant.. landfill smell. But you know, you’ll eventually get used to it.”
Learning I’ll be breathing in pollution and potential carcinogens is a lot easier knowing I’ll eventually get used to it.
So as we headed off toward the beach for our Traditional Thai Massages, I did my best to not breathe in air as often.
Still exhausted, we walked around for ages trying to find the specific Massage Parlour that Glenn was familiar with. He told me on the plane about how beautiful this establishment was, and I wanted nothing more than to just be there experiencing it.
"Yeah I have no idea where it is.. let’s just go find another one." Glenn said, as we stumbled into a dodgy plaza.
This plaza looked like a scene from the Dawn of the Dead remake, with most of the stores boarded up.
An arm hooked into mine out of nowhere. "Hello!" it greeted.
With Dawn of the Dead fresh on my mind, I nearly shit myself.
"My name is KiKi." she said.
Kiki was a fairly short, slightly larger Thai woman. She turned out to be apart of a Traditional Thai Massage parlour just around the corner with her two other co-workers. At our current point of exhaustion, we decided to go with KiKi and her two workers.
I couldn’t believe our luck.
Well.. at the time I couldn’t believe it.
Myself, Jason, and Glenn were each escorted to three separate beds on the floor, separated each by a thin white sheet. We were lead into each area with the curtain shut behind us, left to strip down naked.
I didn’t get undressed straightaway because I wasn’t sure that I was supposed to.
KiKi walked in and I was still fully clothed. ”Do I take my clothes off..?”
"Yes." KiKi said abruptly, as if it were a stupid question.
By the time I was finally prepared, I assumed the position, lying on my front. The awkward conversation began for all of us, as they each asked for our names. Glenn said his name was Roger— a name they found hysterical. Jason and I however used our real names. From the point they found out what our names were, they couldn’t stop saying them.
"Relax Bobby! Relax!" KiKi yelled at me. I couldn’t relax though, she was fucking yelling at me.
"I’m trying to! It just feels weird." I said, but she didn’t understand what I was saying.
Half an hour later, I finally felt relaxed. KiKi and the other two girls had stopped talking, and I was finally enjoying Thailand.
This was the life…
"Turn over now, Bobby." KiKi had broken the silence, and all of a sudden I was no longer relaxed.
KiKi and I were now face-to-face, and she kept winking at me in a way that was not at all flattering. She was winking with both eyes, bearing the sort of grin that made her look like Danny DeVito’s ugly brother.
And then she pursed her lips together. And I gagged.
I shut my eyes tight. Damn tight. So tight I felt my capillaries nearly explode. Which somehow lead me to feel slightly more relaxed as KiKi massaged my chest.
And again, I forgot where I was, and it was an enjoyable experience again.
"Bobby does that hurt? Am I hurting you?" asked KiKi, ruining the atmosphere yet again.
"It hurts a little" I muttered. “But it’s a good kind of hurt, you know?”
KiKi fell on the ground laughing. She loved that. She found what I said completely hysterical.
I opened my eyes to see her wiping tears of laughter from hers. I knew what I said wasn’t even intended to be funny, but I nodded at her appreciating the words I had said anyway.
And with that, KiKi grabbed my crotch area. And squeezed. Really, really hard.
I shut my eyes again. Really tight.
I remained still, unsure of what had just happened. I tried to make sense of the moment by ordering the events:
- KiKi asked me a question.
- I made a "joke".
- She squeezed my genitals.
The conclusion I came to was that it was a kind gesture. KiKi was merely thanking me for making her laugh. It was like a friendly handshake, a punch on the shoulder, or a pat on the back just to say, “cheers mate, cheers for the laugh.”
But I began questioning my conclusion when KiKi squeezed my genitals 13 or 14 more times.
I opened my eyes, and KiKi looked at me directly in the face.
"Shhhh", she whispered, again with her Danny DeVito grin.
Everything KiKi said from now on was in a false sign language:
First, she pointed to my lower body
And then she closed her fist and started moving her wrist up and did in a fast, masturbating-like fashion.
Okay. Now, I had figured out what was going on.
"No." I said.
She tried to make her case more enticing by motioning that it would only cost me 1000 Baht (about $33).
This had not convinced me, and I shut my eyes once again.
KiKi woke me up again moments later.
"Shhhh!" she whispered to me, about to begin another game of Charades.
But. unlike the multiple motions of previous, KiKi made only one motion.
She pointed to her mouth.
I did not answer.
Just as this happened, the time we paid for had been up.
I stepped out of the curtain looking at Jason and Glenn, all of us wide-eyed and visibly traumatised. We all had the same story to tell from the last hour, walking out of the plaza never to return.
This was the first hour of my Thailand holiday.
Have you ever been inappropriately touched by a Danny DeVito lookalike? Shoot me a response.