by Bobby May
As wild as this claim may be, I remember everything about Primary School.
I can’t seem to remember what the hell I was doing last Tuesday. But I can however, remember vivid details of the weirdest seven years of my life between 1995 and 2001.
It was seven years of:
- Being sick during Swimming Carnivals so nobody found out I couldn’t swim.
- Being sick during Athletics Carnivals so nobody found out how awkward and retarded I looked when I ran.
- A continued awkwardness that culminated in me joining the Boys Dance Group just because I “may as well”.
I’m now going to try and remember something fucked up from each of these years.
1995, “Getting Dobbed on by My Best Friend.”
During Free Time (or “playtime”), my “best friend”, Ian Thomas Earnshaw, wrote “SEX” in capital letters on his miniature blackboard.
He turned to me grinning and said, "Hey Bobby, what’s that word?"
I looked at him and said, "SEX".
Ian screamed "I’M TELLING. YOU JUST SWEARED" and he ran to the teacher.
After explaining to the teacher what actually happened, Ian started crying on the floor. Because he started crying, I was the one who got yelled at by the teacher.
I also distinctly remember Ian smiling as I was being dragged away.
At the end of the year, Ian moved back to England. If you’re reading this, "SEX" isn’t a swear word, Ian you fucking mong.
1996, “Forced to Eat out of a Bin.”
Unhappy with the poor quality of the canteen’s Hot Dogs, my second "best friend" Jacko swapped his Hot Dog, for my chicken drumstick.
Hard to please, Jacko was still unhappy with the swap, and threw the Chicken Drumstick in the bin.
The teacher saw him do this.
The teacher demanded that Jacko pick the Chicken Drumstick out of the bin and eat it, as a lesson to "not be wasteful".
Jacko cried as he gnawed unhappily at his Chicken Drumstick, this time covered in garbage.
That was, to this day, the cruelest thing I have ever seen.
1997, “A Classroom of Masseuses.”
My teacher of this year used to make us give her back massages.
But it’s okay— she was female.
Certain kids were nominated to give the teacher a rubdown as she sat in her chair and taught the class.
As the year progressed, the teacher sorted the good massages from the bad massages, and only some kids by the end of the year were invited back to massage her, like it was The X Factor or some shit.
1998, “William, with the Weird-Shaped Head.”
William had a weird-shaped head, so it was no surprise that he repeated Year 3. Immediately, he decided that I got along well with him, and invited me over to his place for some wrestling matches. After a while, I didn’t think he was that weird after all. I thought he was just like a normal kid.
And then he asked me, “Hey Bobby, do you want to see my arse?”
I told him, “no, I don’t.”
Seconds later, he voluntarily had his arse out, even after I SPECIFICALLY told him I didn’t want to see it.
I stopped hanging out with William. Surely enough, ten years later Facebook tells me he’s Interested in: Men. Go figure.
Nothing noteworthy happened all year. I specifically remember that.
2000, “The Game Boy Thief.”
I had both my Game Boy and Game Boy Camera stolen in the one day.
I looked for it everywhere before completely breaking down, knowing my parents, who had given me the Game Boy a mere day before, would kill me.
But luckily for me I had a friend named Joshua Carbone.
Joshua promised, "I will help you find it, Bobby."
Together with Joshua, we formed an elite investigation squad, interrogating everybody about the whereabouts of my Game Boy and its camera.
After two weeks of failed interrogations, I decided we were never going to find it, and I got ready to tell my parents and cop whatever punishment.
And then suddenly, Joshua ran to me before school on the Monday. "I FOUND IT!" he shouted, handing me my prized possession.
I clenched my Game Boy with uncontrollable happiness. "WHERE WAS IT??" I asked him. "I searched through those bags!" he said. "It was in a purple one!"
At that moment, Joshua was the best friend I ever had.
I took the Game Boy home with its camera… only to find that its memory was full, even though I knew the memory was empty when it was stolen. “What’s it full with?” I thought to myself.
It was full of photos of Joshua’s family dating back to the day my Game Boy was stolen.
It was Joshua who had stolen my Game Boy all along.
I never did confront him, though I still plan to.
2001, “The Ten Year Old Virgin.”
At school camp one night, the teachers split the year in two groups for activities. It was Boys vs. Girls. The game was Charades.
Each group picked a number of movies, TV shows, and songs, and put them in a hat. One person was to pick one of the movies, TV shows or songs at random, and act them out for their own group.
I didn’t know how to play Charades then, but I saw this as a good opportunity to impress the girl I was in love with at the time.
Usually keeping my head down for most of my time at school, I stood up and volunteered myself, plucking a random piece of paper from the hat.
The piece of paper read:
"LIKE A VIRGIN. by Madonna."
My eyes popped out of my head and fell on the floor. I wasn’t daft. I knew EXACTLY what a virgin was, though I still turned to Miss Scott (the leader of the Girls team), and asked her innocently, “Miss, what’s a virgin?” expecting she’d say “don’t worry about it, pick another less ridiculous piece of paper from the hat. Don’t embarrass yourself with that one…”
She said "oh, a virgin is somebody who hasn’t had sex before. AND YOUR TIME STARTS…NOW!"
I stood before a room of puzzled boys and screaming girls who were heckling me on the sidelines. I’m sure I was the first ten year old in history expected to act out the words “LIKE A VIRGIN” to his peers in a game of Charades in under three minutes.
"Tick tock!", Miss Scott said to me, pointing at her wristwatch and smiling.
My lips were trembling from the nervousness, and I didn’t know what to do. I began a thought process:
- I should shake my head and then thrust my pelvis
- NO = the headshake. And SEX = the pelvis thrust.
- NO SEX = Virgin. Simple.
However I realised that my team, unlike me, were daft. They probably couldn’t UNDERSTAND what the hell I was doing, which would leave me standing there thrusting my pelvis at a group of ten year old boys in complete silence.
Surely that type of conduct wasn’t even allowed, right?
But I didn’t know what was acceptable in the school system anymore. The boys were getting frustrated that I stood still and silent, totally embarrassed for the entire three minute period.
I looked over to the teachers for help, and they were laughing at me.
I looked at the girl I loved, and she was clearly unimpressed.
I knew even then on that cold night ten years ago that those three minutes would scar me a full decade later.
Needless to say, we lost the game of Charades that night because of me.
I subsequently never volunteered myself for anything in my life ever again.
Have you got any strange Primary School experiences that have scarred you? Shoot me a response, or go straight to the Police.